Life is weird. Full, crazy, sad, beautiful, serene, and chaotic. All at once.
It all started with a shift in my business, a dream-come-true trip to NY, a huge bump in my relationship, and then some deep soul searching. And a massive change in my focus.
Really? SeRiouSly? How could there be so much I still didn’t know about myself?
I couldn’t believe the layers and layers I still had to look at. Whoa. I felt like that old onion analogy was 10-fold happening for me. And then, in the midst of all this emotional chaos—
I had a stroke! Holy SHMOLY! A stroke? Can that be real?
And honestly, it’s been some of the hardest stuff I’ve gone through. To truly look at yourself, raw and real and with all your shit hanging out and THEN to face mortality. OHwheee. A whirlwind of grit, fear, and massive opening.
It felt surreal. Ouch, the buckets of tears I cried. I thought sure, after a few months, there would be no water left in my body.
Yet through it all, I could see myself more clearly. And wow, the existential awakenings that were happening. Asking all the questions: why, what for, how come, are you sure, what now? I barely held it together some days. BUT then something began to happen…
I got clear. I let go. I SURRENDERED. It was all okay. The sobbing, the ups and downs, the wondering, the regression, the scaredy cat…she was ok. It was all absolutely okay.
Somehow, believe it or not, I found that HAPPINESS was still below it all. A feeling of peace and a place of serenity, that sustained me, kept me moving throughout the day, versus crawling in bed and pulling up the covers.
I know it sounds weird, I know it doesn’t seem possible, but even through the sobbing (AND I mean sometimes wailing and snotting and groaning) it was all fine. I surprisingly needed it. It was cathartic, it was all the old trauma and BS and questioning and mostly WORTHLESSNESS, coming out and up.
Yes, I struggled for years with feeling worthless, couldn’t even identify it until a few years ago. Seems crazy for someone who is genuinely very upbeat and happy. But there you have it. Hey, I had a dysfunctional childhood (who didn’t…raise your hand!) and the residue of that has followed me and my fierce Pollyanna self all my life. And mostly I could put it to the side (or under the carpet) until I couldn’t.
Then suddenly I was ready-A-F to let the worthiness issue go—BE GONE THEE! And it required honoring, listening, and participating in all the emotional hoo haw that was coming down the pike. Most of it felt like GRIEF—for missing out on a fulfilling relationship with my parents and some of my siblings, dumb things I did as a young mom, troublesome love relationships and so much more. Wondering…does everyone feel this way? Does everyone go through these things? It seems, out of 7 billion people, I’m not the only one.
The things that pushed me to uncover these new layers were prickly, wonderful, difficult, and eye-opening. How can that be? I felt a bit like a yo yo. One minute smiling, loving, creating, and doing good self-care, the next minute crying like a baby, holding my stomach, wiping my eyes, and just letting it all out!
WOW, it’s not easy to face the dark side of yourself. It’s not easy to admit that it can feel very good to express the sadness, the hurt, the anger, especially when NO ONE is watching (I was fortunate enough to have lots of time alone during this period…and bonus: the neighbors never called the police!)
It’s been about a month since the heaviest stuff has been released, and almost a week since I cried…who hoo. (It was getting exhausting having puffy eyes so often!) And now I am facing the future CRYSTAL CLEAR. I know how I want to be, who I want to be, how I want to feel and what my desires are. DAMN that took some exhausting work and excavation, but I am so happy to still be here. The biggest lesson: As Sammy Davis Jr said “I Gotta Be Me!”
Weird as it may sound, it all points back to what I’ve always known, felt, and embraced…Love is the end all be all, joy is worth every moment of heartache and inner peace is EVERYTHING.
Oh and by the way, I am 95% fully recovered, no serious side effects and happy to report that this was what everyone deems a “wake-up-call”.
I’ll take that and answer that call;
“Hello? Why yes, it’s me, the me I’m meant to be. The one and only. The imaginative dreamer, the beautiful seeker, the magical misfit, and the Fierce Pollyanna…here to celebrate and embrace life’s profound artistry. Eyes wide open. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Create – Illuminate- Connect,
The Fierce Pollyanna