Whirlwind of many months, no blog. Oops. I was living/doing/being and kind of forgot.
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” – Leo Tolstoy
No way to capture in words the utter strangeness & transformation of the last several months. A total eclipse of the heart that inspired me to make big changes and to put a microscope on who I really am. A kick in the ass from the Muse and a gathering of goddesses to guide and hold me through junk & stuffs that sucked. A confusing blitz of criticism and an unexpected shift in relationships squeezed the life outta me while simultaneously I was emerging from a cocoon. Oh life. (Shaking my fist right now.) Why you gotta hit so hard?
I couldn’t write much during those dark soul moments. The grief was beyond intense. And I had the opportunity to practice feeling everything, while also knowing I am not my feelings. I am the real me behind them. The me that is part of the bigger painting. The witness of all the earthly comings and goings. I had all the feels, and I was, maybe for the first time in my life, able to feel intensely, weep when needed, then drop it and get on with my day, with a glad heart. I didn’t even know I could do that. I guess I wouldn’t have known I was that strong, self-assured, and solid in my capacity to forgive & love unless something bigger, and out of my control exploded before me. Oof. And Ahhh.
As author Joe Vitale describes, I was getting closer to being “At Zero”, which is essentially the space, the something greater, the divine nature or our highest self. He describes it as an erasable white board, where we have all our programming written– the past, old beliefs, worries, ways, means, to-dos, he said/she said, etc. until it fills every corner. But underneath it, is the space or stillness. The peace we long for. Letting go, asking for help, allowing, forgiving, and centering is basically erasing all those words so we can get “back to the zero point” and hear the truth. And for me the truth is love. Just love. Always love.
Choose Fear or Choose Love
I just happened to commit to listening to Marianne Williamson read A Course in Miracles daily lesson at the beginning of this year. Coincidence? I think not. The underlying message of that book is “you can either choose fear or you can choose love”. I avoided the book for years because of the religious-y sounding language it uses in parts. But it kept crossing my path and I finally took the leap. I also picked up a copy of Pam Grout’s funnier and more irreverent version, which suited my nutty personality a bit better. (The Course in Miracles Experiment.) I honestly believe I would not have handled this unfortunate situation very well if I hadn’t immersed myself in the daily message of peace.
And now, slowly coming out the other side, I see the effects.
I KNOW I am loved.
I am responsible for the way I create and see my world.
Fear is not the boss of me.
Love is everything.
We are all children of the universe, each deserving, worthy of understanding and forgiveness, no matter how lost, scared, angry or full of BS our mortal selves can be.
I made the huge decision to travel and focus on my art, my writing, and my awakening. More on this in another blog. ⛰️🏞️🏕️🌄
And despite this clearly enormous bump in the road, I have created a beautiful, enchanted life for myself, and no junk & stuffs is gonna stop me from awakening to the razzmatazz that is available.
The kicker: I have crafted a glorious suit of armor infused with magic, made of steely love, determination, and willingness. It bounces fear off like a rubber duckie. Forged through the fires of those damn down-points of this journey, lovingly engraved with the blissful highs of victory. (That last paragraph should be accompanied by an epic soundtrack! You hear it, don’t you?)
I am literally finding myself snickering at my own complaints, so-called “problems” and discomfort. “Ha ha, I see you for what you really are you little whiny boo boos. Another link in the chainmail of love. Get thee behind me Fear!”
Always and forever a Fierce Pollyanna,