Gonna be honest here,Jan 2021 has been a rough start for me. I have been troubled by headaches this whole month thus far, not feeling like writing or doing art much at all. Pain in the side of your head is NO JOKE. OW!
I kept asking myself why? I am not a headache person. I may get one or two a year but this month it’s been every single evening! BLAH.
This has led me down a rabbit hole of why’s, how’s, and what fors! (and yes a doctor visit too.) And also made me really think about the stressful thoughts I’ve been entertaining. I may be STOOPID but dang, when I suddenly realize I have been courting all kinds of self-defeating thoughts, UGH and OY….I am always surprised. Like who dat voice? That’s not the real me.
I, who am a ginormous FIERCE POLLYANNA, yes, I too have those darn crummy, murgly, muddy stinkn thinkn thoughts take hold at times, unbeknownst. I get busy with life, creating, tattooing (a surprisingly physical activity), paperwork, clients, deadlines, productivity, blerg, blerg, you know…all the things…and I get lulled into forgetting to be a good monitor of my internal dialogue.
I haven’t done this in maybe a decade, but latter half of 2020 was FULL to the brim with TO DO LISTS, and demands, and over-commitments (not to mention the pandemic and the Oregon fires). Lions and tigers and bears oh my. How dare I let stress get to me? To ME! –insert haughty, how-very-dare-you voice there.
Then my thinking becomes sloppy, my body starts to ache n pain, and fatigue gets ahold. And whoooooops, my sloppy thinking has brought me some familiar unworthiness bullsh*t back to haunt.
Damn that dysfunctional childhood.
And suddenly my smarter-than-me body/soul puts on the brakes. I surely do wish it wasn’t in the form of OUCHY headaches or flu or sinus infection or joint pain or what the f evah. But there you have it. The ol mind-body connection, rearing its powerful head.
And I am whisked back to that lovely spiral of growth we all journey through. You know the old onion metaphor…peeling back the layers, there’s always another one that’ll make you cry.
So, the headaches have mostly subsided, I’m resting more, doing less, and I am FORCED to let go. Because I wouldn’t do it on my own. Weird right? My own body says OH NO YOU DON’T, cause my overachiever/goodist wants to do it all and make everyone happy. YUCK. Oh, it stings to write it out loud.
My good news: 2020 was the most incredibly successful financial year of my life. Serious woot woot y’all…and it was also the most stressful, as it was for so so so many folks. What a strange contrast. What an unexplainable, ridiculous, coo coo cachoo ride it has been.
Happy to say, through it all, my inner peace has grown to boundless proportions. My ability to remain in LOVE and internal calm through a whirlwind of external ups and downs is my greatest treasure thus far.
Ok 2021, what you got for me? I’m gonna bring my warrior goddess to the party now, so watch out.
The even Fierce-r Pollyanna
CREATE – ILLUMINATE – CONNECT