This is a slight detour from my normal blogs, but I felt it might be helpful, and it’s been on my mind.

My partner and I have been doing deep dive work on ourselves and for the relationship, with some great books, audios and workshops, over the last six months. It’s been so incredibly REVEALING after 25+ years together.

(25 YEARS!! THAT sounds impossible, but it is real…HOLY SHIZZLE!)

Through the tumultuous DOWNS & UPS, we have grown tremendously, and seen the other person through new eyes, over and over. And one of the exercises that came up in our practice is this: “Write out 30 ways you feel loved”.

HUH? Doesn’t he already know? We’ve been together for over 25 years–how can he not know by now? This is dumb. Whatever, I’ll do it.

Of course, it was an eye-opening experiment, just to sit down and try and articulate it for myself! If I had trouble putting it in to words, then NO WONDER he isn’t always clear on this stuff. Could we have saved ourselves a thousand butt-hurt feelings, snippy remarks and tears in the night if we had done this sooner? I suspect that’s a yes.

Offering clarity to your partner is a BEAUTIFUL gift.

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We are two different people and we are not mind-readers. Hoping, assuming, wishing they just KNOW…well it hasn’t worked so great for me. And the masculine and feminine have different longings, energies and ways to be seen and felt, that it makes sense to get clear for yourself and for the other. (Not just partners, I would guess some version of this would be helpful in all my relationships).

So, here is my list. I hope it spurs some thought in you!


The Ways I Feel Loved:

1. Loving words, gentle tone, kindness, thoughtful interaction
2. Interest in me, my heart, my thoughts, my body, my hurts, my longings
3. Flowers
4. Impeccability in word and deed, i.e. you do what you say you will do
5. Sweet surprises & thoughtful gifts that show you’ve been paying attention
6. Gazing deeply into my eyes
7. Our rituals (terms of endearment, snuggles/spooning at night, chatting on couch together, texting when it’s 11:11, trading massages, etc.)
8. Heart 2 heart hugs, until relaxed
9. My head in your lap or in an embrace with you stroking my face and hair gently, with deliberate focus (i.e. beaming your adoration & love towards me)
10. Compliments, especially power compliments
11. Sharing your complex or profound thoughts, sharing your longings and desires
12. You having ENERGY, enthusiasm, confidence and purpose, being fired up
13. Love notes
14. Showing desire for me in sensual words & looks at appropriate moments
15. Hugs and kisses with intention and attention
16. Visible effort to learn new things in relationship/intimacy and sharing/trying, even if difficult at first
17. Giving me moments of gazes, kisses, hugs, to reconnect the love flow, even when busy
18. You planning connection time in advance: chatting, meditation together, dancing, breathwork, yoga, massage tradies, walks, sexual touch/play and games
19. You reading, studying and sharing information on the masculine & feminine dance, sexuality and intimacy, without having to ask
20. Soulmate embrace
21. Asking me to sing/admiring my singing, cooking, art projects, clothes, jewelry
22. Variety & adventure in our life: trying new foods/recipes, new activities, new places, new rituals, new concepts
23. Fully present lovemaking, you taking charge with strength and forethought

24. You planning dates/get-a-ways, especially secret and all planned out. (huge for me)
25. Talking together about specific things (travel, house plans, special memories, great sexual memories, spiritual exploration/wonderings, desires, longings, etc)
26. Extra touches in togetherness: fluffing pillows, tucking in with blanket, rocking, bringing water, massaging feet and hands, stroking hair, foot soak, putting on special music
27. Prepping the connection/lovemaking space: warm, music, clean, candles/lighting, water, fan, extra touches like colorful pillows, soft fabrics, warmed massage oil, ideas of new things to try, smelling great, trimmed and attractive
28. Admiring/acknowledging my talents and accomplishments
29. Staying centered & grounded when you are upset, taking space if you need it in a loving way, responding rather than reacting
30. Calm, strong reassurance when I am sad or troubled


Let me know if you do a list for yourself too.

Be Fierce. Be Kind. Be BadAss!
Shelly Dax
The Fierce Pollyanna